Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Humor and Hope After Miscarriage

The above picture was my first appointment with my midwife at the end of November, when I was 6 weeks pregnant, and Lucy sitting in the exact spot where she was born!  We hold on to the hopeful anticipation of the day we can return to this bed with good news. 

My appointment after the one above was not joyful, as I shared in  I am the Face: My Personal Story of Miscarriage.  As we are moving forward past this season of our lives, I have thought back to this painful time and realized there is some humor to be found, and sometimes it's healing to find the humor in the midst of pain...

Three days after my midwife confirmed what I already knew, miscarriage, I was able to see the OBGYN, Dr. Michael B. Smith (all I could think of was Michael W. Smith).  The first room is where my vitals were taken, introductions were made, and questions were asked.  He then decided he wanted to do an exam, and wanted to do so in a different room.  So I moved to room #2 and stripped from the waist down for a couple of people I had just met moments ago, Dr. Smith and his assistant.  Major awkward factor. 
As I stared at the speaker in the ceiling above me, pretending this wasn't awkward at all, I heard the speculum loudly click open a few times, with a final LOUD click, and then Dr. Smith said "uh oh...it broke." 

"What?! Wait, what broke? Where?!"  Needless to say I had many thoughts floating around in my head and was slightly worried about what broke and where.   I let out an uncomfortable laugh like everything was fine, when I was really freaking out just a little on the inside.
His assistant handed him a new speculum and we were on our way to awkward-land once again.  He was concerned with the amount of bleeding I was still having, even though my cervix was closed, so he wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound.  I was wondering to myself if he just wanted to make sure I didn't have speculum remnants remaining (I never did find out what part of the speculum broke, exactly).  I'll just take that as a sign that my kegels are paying off :)
The assistant quickly followed the Dr. out of the room to find out what he wanted to do next, and left me lying in wait on the table covered in a thin paper sheet, listening to "Smooth Operator" play on the radio and I just had to laugh out loud! "Seriously?!", I said to the speaker in the ceiling above me.

When the assistant returned, she told me we would have to move to another room to where the vaginal ultrasound machine was located.  Oh geeeez.  I had to get dressed and wait in the waiting room until they were ready, and then off to my third and final room of the day.
The vaginal ultrasound revealed everything looked good, he told me that if I was still bleeding come Monday, then he wanted to see me again.  Thankfully, as we had prayed it would, my body did what it was created to do in this circumstance and he didn't think any medication nor a D&C were needed. 
I said "thank you" and as Dr. Smith reached the door, he turned to face me and said...
 "better luck next time...and...happy new year". 

I'm not even kidding you right now.

Yes, I am trying to make light of the situation, and yet my heart is broken just the same.  I can now find some humor in this situation, because sometimes that's just what I need to do to regain my grasp on hope.  We are clinging to the hope that we will have another child to love one day and pray that God will fulfill the desire of our hearts when the time is right.

1 comment:

  1. jennifer oakdenMarch 27, 2014

    So sorry to hear this amanda! My thoughts and prayers for you and your family!


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